Monday, June 13, 2011

10 Years

I was feeling out of sorts today. It was the first day of school after the long 2 and a half week school holiday and I was actually looking forward to going back to my routine. Something felt a little bit off, though.

Nagging at the back of my mind (and heart) was this unexplained sadness. I took a little nap in the morning, willing it to go away but woke up again with a heavy heart.

And then it hit me.

It has been 10 years to the day that I lost my father.

Hj. Awang Sham Pulau (14/9/1951-13/6/2001)

My father is and forever will be the man that I look up to most. There was just nothing that fazed him. He came from a poverty stricken family and managed to just move forward, never letting anything hold him back until he succeeded in his life. He was extremely generous, loving, powerful, really intelligent, sharp, visionary, and really, really hardworking. He was also very strict like you won't believe but his bark was always worse than his bite. I recognize it now as tough love.

10 Years. The time that has gone by where I have grown up and moved on in my life without a father present in my life. He never got to see his children get married. He never got to see his grandchildren and it breaks my heart that my children never got to meet him.

But my father lives on in my memories, my prayers, in my heart, in me and my children. I look at myself and I see my father's dimples and his lopsided smile. I also have his eyes... and hopefully some of the traits that he had that made him a wonderful and respected person. I dream about my father, quite frequently, and the dreams always seem to calm me, although I wake up missing him more than ever.

Oh if only I could be half the person he was, it would be a great achievement. If I could be the person he was, then there's nothing else I could ever want for.

Al-Fatihah, Daddy. I miss you. I will continue missing you for all the days of my life.

To all of you who has lost someone dear to you, no matter how recent or how long ago, this one's for you.


Jean,  June 13, 2011 at 11:41 PM  

im listening to the song now, shem! 

Jean,  June 13, 2011 at 11:49 PM  

great post on yr dad! 10 years is such a long time but the memories are still fresh. No one or nothing can ever replace the emptiness you felt. *hugz* to you, shem! 

Jean,  June 13, 2011 at 11:50 PM  

:* :* :* :* :*

Isaac Tan,  June 14, 2011 at 12:23 AM  

:( sorry to hear. Our parents are forever in our hearts and soul.
I cherish my dad, and am so happy he's still here where I can always call him up to just hear his voice and talk to him. He's 65+ now, and is currently in Penang, how I wish my new house will be ready soon so I can ajak them over, I opened a supp line for him so he does not have to worry about phone charges, and also astro. Did you know I found out, astro can be a really good companion for retirees. Hehe.

Bluedreamer,  June 14, 2011 at 12:52 AM  

sorry to hear about this...

Bluedreamer,  June 14, 2011 at 12:54 AM  

It's my grandma's first death anniversary this coming June 16... and until now... i still feel the pain.. I am a grandma's boy so it's pretty hard for me to accept that she's not here with me anymore... but then again... i know that she's now with God and i know she's still watching over me,.. guiding me all the way...

Bluedreamer,  June 14, 2011 at 12:54 AM  

thanks for sharing... love the song too...
Happy blogging :) :) :)

Ane,  June 14, 2011 at 11:10 PM  

I am so sorry for your loss Shem! I have never experienced real loss like this and I can not even imagine how it feels, I think I am not ready for it as well... B lost his father too and they were pretty close, he also never saw his sons get married and never met his grandchildren from his sons... It will be 11 years on November but to B, it's as if it happened yesterday only... He is sad and happy at the same time, it's hard to explain...

Ane,  June 14, 2011 at 11:13 PM  

I'm sure your dad is proud of who you have become Shem.. :) You're a wonderful wife and mother and an awesome friend.. :) He's probably beaming with pride up there.. :)

Bill,  June 14, 2011 at 11:28 PM  

great song my friend. I agree with Ane your dad would be very proud of the beautiful lady you have become. Also fabulous friend awesome mother. :)

Bella Enveeus,  June 16, 2011 at 12:03 AM  

:'( :'( :'(

I feel so sad reading this.. Reminds me of my grandma.. How I miss her so even though it had been 11 years when she left us all.. I think I know how you feel.. Sometimes I dream of her too and I wake up feeling good and sad at the same time.. Things were never the same without her.

I'm sure your daddy is very proud of you Shem.. And I would like to believe he is looking over you and your family, blessing all of you in everything that you do.. :-) You're a wonderful, intelligent, kind-hearted person and he knows that..

Al-fatihah for your daddy..

Shemah,  September 8, 2011 at 5:51 PM  

Thanks so much Jeanie! :(  I know losing people important to us is very hard. I know how much you miss your dad and your little angel too. :(  *hugs* May our hearts get better with each day without ever erasing their memories. 

Shemah,  September 8, 2011 at 5:53 PM  

You're so lucky to have both parents still around Isaac. Never ever take them for granted coz you never know how long you have left with them.. But it's good that you're always available and u always go back to penang to visit them. 

Hahahaha astro is good company for them! Just like the adverts! hahahaha 

Shemah,  September 8, 2011 at 5:54 PM  

My condolences to you for your grandma's passing. I was my grandma's pet as well and I lost her a year after losing my father. So the pain hits me bad.. :(   You're right.. have faith that they are guiding us in our darkest and brightest moments.. 

Shemah,  September 8, 2011 at 5:54 PM  

You're most welcome, BD! :)  

Shemah,  September 8, 2011 at 5:58 PM  

And I pray that you don't ever have to experience a loss like this. I know what you mean by being sad and happy at the same time. I feel that way too.. I am happy with my life but I'm sad that I go through life without my dad in it. :(  But that's life, and the living just have to go on living, right? 

Shemah,  September 8, 2011 at 5:59 PM  

Awww.. you're so sweet to think so. Thanks for your comforting words.. they really mean a lot to me.. *hugs* 

Shemah,  September 8, 2011 at 5:59 PM  

Thank you Bill! You always know the right things to say to cheer me up!! :)  You're a great friend as well! :)  I'm lucky to have known you. 

Shemah,  September 8, 2011 at 6:03 PM  

Yeah I understand the feeling. I feel it too. Esp with my dad, my grandma and my nephew. :(  I was a grandma's girl and she died a little over a year after my father passed away. It was hard for my mommy (my mom's mom) and we all felt so lost that year. :(  I hope you find solace in your piano playing.. I remember you told me that it took you years to get back to playing coz she was your number one fan, and you played for her all the time, right? 

Thanks for your comforting words, Bella! They brought tears to my eyes and I so wish that they're true.. 

Al-Fatihah for my daddy and your grams as well!  :'( :'(

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